Deconstructing Shame
by Melanie VanderPol-Bailey ~ Rural Roads Counseling & Consultation
It is a new year and we may find ourselves feeling a nudge to make some shifts or healthy changes within our lives. While turning towards physical health is a beneficial thing, it is also important to explore how we think and the stories we tell ourselves in the process. It can be normal to feel motivated do something different; to go on a diet after all the extra calories that come with the holiday season, or start a fitness routine, or whatever your new “thing” is. It is a common misconception that shame can push people to improve. Common sayings like, “you should be ashamed of yourself” or “shame on you” imply that shame has the power to correct. But more often, shame often leads to avoidance, defensiveness and an overwhelming feeling of being stuck. I want to invite you to explore shame and how it can impact how we think, feel and behave.
Shame is a feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the perception that we have failed to meet an expectation (personal, societal, or relational). Guilt might tell us that we made a mistake, shame goes deeper, convincing us that we are the mistake. This can have a big impact on our mental health and our relationships.
Shame can be sneaky and tell an unkind story, whispering messages of inadequacy, unworthiness, or failure. Brene Brown, Clinical Social Worker and author has done extensive research on emotions. She writes, “Shame is that warm feeling that washes over us, making us feel small, flawed and never good enough.” I imagine we can all connect with a moment that we have felt this way. Shame is a powerful and often misunderstood emotion. It thrives in both secrecy and silence. It convinces us that our sharing our struggles will lead to rejection or judgment. Interestingly, Brene also found in her research that shame cannot survive when we share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding. She writes, “If you put shame in a petri dish and douse it with empathy, shame loses its power and begins to wither.”
If shame tends to show up for you, naming it is an important first step in diffusing shameful thoughts. We can begin to deconstruct shame by identifying situations or thoughts that elicit shame. Start to challenge your narrative: Shame can tell us lies about who we are. Ask yourself, is this belief true? Would I say this to a friend? Seek Connection and build a support network by sharing with trusted people who uplift you and accept you as you are. Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with the kindness and understanding that you would treat a loved one or a dear friend. And focus on your values, align your actions with your core values, faith and integrity versus meeting an external expectation, like what someone else might think.
When we begin to deconstruct shame, we open the door to self-acceptance, authentic connection and personal growth. We can recognize and realize that our worth is not determined by others’ opinions, our past mistakes, or societal pressures. Instead, it is inherent and uniquely yours.
It is a process, not an event as you begin to unlearn the stories or narratives that no longer serve you. If you are struggling with shame, know that you do not have to face it alone. Therapy is a safe and gentile space to explore the origins of shame and develop a healthier way to cope. Please reach out to any of the local mental health providers if you would like more information about the therapeutic process.
