Both Losing or Both Winning
Written by Nicole VanZuidam at Junction Therapy
Arguments in long‑term relationships rarely begin with the “big issue” we think we’re fighting about. More often, they grow from something quieter and far more human: the feeling of not being heard, not being understood, or not being emotionally met by someone we deeply love.
Over time, couples develop patterns in how they step into or away from disagreements. These patterns can become so familiar they start running on autopilot. One person withdraws. The other pursues. One raises their voice. The other shuts down. One becomes hyper‑focused on being “right.” The other becomes overwhelmed by the intensity. Before long, the original issue is buried under layers of defensiveness, hurt, misinterpretation, avoidance, and compounded with the unwelcome familiarity of these patterns. Here, no one is winning. In a long‑term relationship, there is no such thing as one person winning an argument. You are on the same team. If one person walks away defeated, dismissed, or misunderstood, the relationship loses and both people feel the impact.
Most arguments don’t escalate because two people disagree. They escalate because one or both feel unheard. When we don’t feel understood, our nervous system shifts into protection mode which is our biological response designed to keep us safe, not connected. When the brain perceives emotional threat (criticism, rejection, misunderstanding, or even a certain tone of voice), the amygdala activates and signals the body to prepare for danger. Heart rate increases. Breathing becomes shallow. Muscles tense. Blood flow shifts away from the parts of the brain responsible for empathy and reasoning, and moves toward the systems that support defense. In this state, the part of the brain that helps us stay grounded, curious, and thoughtful becomes less accessible. That’s why it suddenly feels impossible to listen, why we interrupt, why we get louder, or why we shut down. We’re not trying to be difficult, but our nervous system goes into protection mode which often shuts down effective communication. We start preparing our next rebuttal or attack, or we might be planning our escape instead of staying emotionally and/or physically present.
When we’re activated, we can easily misinterpret tone, make assumptions about our partner’s intent, and we focus on defending our position rather than understanding our partner’s. We begin to hear everything our partner is saying through a filter of defensiveness that is attempting to protect the core conflicts and self doubts we are most self conscious of. This is why self‑regulation is not optional in healthy conflict — it’s essential. Without it, the conversation becomes two nervous systems trying to protect themselves rather than two people trying to understand each other.
One of the most helpful things couples can do is have a conversation outside of conflict about what tends to happen during conflict. Ask questions like:
What do you notice in yourself when we start to disagree?
What do you notice in me?
What are the moments where things usually take a turn for the worse?
What do we each need in order to stay grounded and engaged?
This isn’t about assigning blame. It’s about recognizing the choreography of your arguments so you can interrupt the dance before it spirals. Couples benefit from having simple, recognizable phrases that signal, “We’re slipping into the pattern — let’s reset.” These might be things like:
“I want to understand you, but I’m getting overwhelmed.”
“Can we slow down for a moment”
“I’m feeling defensive. Can we pause so I can regulate?”
“I’m trying to stay present, but am noticing I’m starting to shut down."
When both partners agree on these cues ahead of time, they become tools rather than triggers. Self-regulation is a responsibility, not a luxury. Healthy conflict requires each person to take responsibility for regulating themselves. That means noticing your emotions early, naming and communicating them clearly, and expressing them in ways that invite connection rather than provoke defensiveness. These shifts change the emotional climate of the conversation.
Mirroring, reflecting back what your partner is saying before responding, can be an effective way to de-escalate conflict. It communicates, “I hear you. I’m trying to understand you,” which is often the very thing the argument is actually about. “This is what I heard you say or how I interpret it. Is that accurate?” Mirroring doesn’t mean you agree. It means you’re listening. Being listened to softens people. It opens the door to collaboration instead of competition.
In a long‑term relationship, your lives are intertwined in countless ways — emotionally, practically, financially, spiritually. Very few decisions or conflicts affect only one person. When one partner feels dismissed, defeated, or disconnected, the relationship absorbs that impact. But when both partners feel heard, respected, and understood — even in disagreement — the relationship strengthens and you both win. Conflict is inevitable. But the unhealthy patterns don’t have to be. Couples therapy can be a helpful space to build awareness, shared language, emotional responsibility, and a commitment to understanding rather than winning.
