Be Gentle with Yourself
Written by Melanie VanderPol-Bailey CSW-PIP at Rural Roads Counseling
We do not have to do anything better than we can—and yet, so many of us live as though we do. Somewhere along the way, the bar gets raised so high that even an Olympian pole vaulter couldn’t clear it. What began as a healthy desire to grow quietly transforms into an incessant pressure to perform, achieve, and prove.
Why is it so hard to be gentle with ourselves? At the heart of it, many of us have learned—explicitly or subtly—that our worth is tied to our performance. We are “good” when we win. This thought tricks us into believing our identity is based on what we do. We absorb messages that say: Do more. Be better. Don’t mess up. Over time, these expectations become internalized, shaping how we see ourselves. But here’s the truth we often forget: Your worth is not contingent on how well you perform.
Henri Nouwen speaks beautifully into this truth as he writes, “You have to keep unmasking the world about you for what it is: manipulative, controlling, power-hungry, and in the long run destructive. The world tells you many lies about who you are, and you simply have to be realistic enough to remind yourself of this. Every time you feel hurt, offended, or rejected, you have to dare to say to yourself: “These feelings, strong, as they may be, are not telling me the truth about myself. The truth, even though I cannot feel it right now, is that I am the chosen child of God, precious in God’s eyes, called the Beloved from all eternity, and held safe, in an everlasting embrace.”
Expectations, especially rigid and unrealistic ones, tend to foster more disappointment than success. They set us up to feel like we are constantly falling short, even when we are doing our very best. Perfectionism often disguises itself as excellence. But they are not the same. Excellence is giving our best effort in this moment. Striving for excellence is life-giving. It encourages growth, learning, and resilience. Striving for perfection, however, is self-defeating. Perfectionism always reminds us that our best is never enough. It keeps us trapped in cycles of overthinking, comparison, and self-criticism.
What might it look like to shift out of perfectionism and into something more compassionate? It begins with a simple but powerful practice: Do your best for the moment—and then let it go.
Let go of the mental replay.
Let go of the question, “What are people thinking about me?”
Let go of the urge to measure your value by the outcome.
Let the knowing deep inside of you have the last word.
Because the truth is, if you have done your best in this moment, that is enough. And tomorrow? Your “best” might look different. It might be stronger, clearer, more capable—or it might be more tired, distracted, or limited. Either way, your inherent worth and goodness remain unchanged.
This is where gentleness comes in. Imagine how you would respond to a dear friend who felt they had fallen short. You would likely offer compassion, encouragement, and understanding. You wouldn’t demand perfection from them—you would remind them of their humanity. You deserve that same grace. Being gentle with yourself is not lowering your standards in a harmful way. It is recognizing that you are human, growing, and worthy of care.
As the pastures green and spring keeps giving us more color and light after a long brown season, consider this invitation to release the impossible bar you have been trying to clear. May you speak to yourself with kindness instead of criticism. May you rest in the truth that you do not have to be perfect to be enough. You already are.
